Darvin’s Tips Part Three: What Would Loving Yourself Do?

For some time, I've been hearing this wacky rumor. Maybe you've heard the rumor too. The rumor goes something like this: Sexy parties can be emotionally challenging. I know, totally wacky.

But perhaps this comes as no surprise to you, because maybe you're one of the people helping to spread this rumor? And perhaps that's because you have some information that the rest of us(me!)--who sometimes think that sexy parties are supposed to feel really fucking (pun intended) awesome all the time--don't have, some information that maybe suggests that the perfect orgy is actually chock full with human beings just being human. 

Now is when I'm supposed to tell you that I’m totally kidding, that I know that the real rumor is that sexy parties are challenge-free, that I’m totally on board with the challenges of sexy parties, and that I even find the challenging nature of these spaces beautiful. Of course all those things are true. But the other truth is that sexy parties being challenging is still challenging for me. Often, I find myself wishing that it wasn’t true. Because, well, sometimes it’s effing hard work and I came to play.

Fortunately, I also know that doing the work has tended to make it easier over time, and I have developed a few good tools to ride the ups and downs and even the flat periods of sexy parties that might work for you too. 

If you know me personally, you may also know that one of my favorite emotional interventions has to do with asking myself a question: What would love do? At sexy parties, in order to focus on my challenges I ask: What would loving myself do? One way to hear this question is to wonder what the outcome would be of loving myself, i.e., what would it feel like if I just loved myself? But I mean the question more in the active sense--where I have the power and get to make the self-love flow--with the emphasis not so much on the outcome as on the process, literally on what I can do with my self-love, i.e., if I were loving myself in this moment, what would I be doing?

1) Loving myself gives my feelings room to be. I don’t have to like the way I’m feeling to give myself permission to have my feelings, to let the feelings come in and move around and take up space and time. But if I don’t give my feelings this room, I often end up in a rockier place. If you've ever stuffed some feelings down that you decided for whatever reason should not be addressed in that moment, you likely have some sense of how doing so can make it that much harder to bear those feelings. That’s why when I’m at a sexy party and in struggle, my first step is to find an angel--or anyone--who can help me have my feelings. Remember, angels want you to utilize them for just this purpose. They want to help you give your feelings room. In fact, being an angel at a sexy party is much less about giving advice than it is about giving love and attention and room to be witnessed. You can even identify your own team of angels/buddies long before the night of the party.

2) Loving myself takes care of my physical and comfort needs. Sometimes if the challenge is big enough, feeling my feelings is all I can do, and I may simply need to head home from there, remembering that there will be many, many more parties. This kind of concrete self-care is always a-ok. Other times, when feeling my feelings helps me come to a place of relative okness while still at the party, I make an effort to do more. Especially when feeling my feelings seems like it might have totally done the trick--then I make sure that I don’t stop there, because I know that this step alone isn’t as powerfully self-loving as when I take a few more steps to care for my whole self.

Asking for light touch or a drink of water, stretching, meditating, getting a soak in the hot tub, finding a soft spot to curl up and rest for a moment, requesting a nonsexual/nonsensual cuddle or hug, eating something, showering or grooming, moving myself to a nonsexual space, etc.--these are all concrete acts that we can take to bring ourselves greater ease while riding a dip at a sexy party. It's worth noting that these actions--plus many more that I have not listed--are also all excellent ways to tend to your well-being during flat or high times as well. 

3) Loving myself holds lightly. One of the most loving things I can do for myself at a sexy party is to hold my challenge lightly. It’s edgy to share this one, because the last thing I want to do is rush anyone toward resolution that doesn’t work for them in the moment. Lord knows I've never liked being told to “get over it.” And yet, I recognize the goodness when I've been able to do something like this for myself, to hold myself with a lighter touch. Indeed this is not about reaching toward resolution, even if some resolution can be derived along the way. Rather, the goal here is something like rebooting or refocusing. 

It is possible that our story, which got us so tightly gripping our experience into the challenge we find ourselves in, ironically, can be lightened through humor and storytelling. You could make up a story about your inner critic where they are really ugly and yet totally loveable and tell the story to a friend. Or you could ask an angel to tell you some jokes or even tickle you. Yes, tickling and other forms of being silly are sometimes powerful antidotes to challenge, because the silliness can get us moving in new directions. Be careful to invite lightness into your experience in ways that work for you by clearly asking for what you want when interacting with others. Angels love to help folks create their experience in light and playful ways, but they need your help to know how to do that best.

Let's just go ahead and agree right now that it's no rumor that at sexy parties the ups can be way up and the downs can be waaaay down. Maybe we can also go ahead and remember that there is a pretty good context for that seeming roller coaster of experience. After all, the intensity, exploration, and new experiences--the mix of sexual experimentation, counter culture movement, and dominant social paradigm transgression--the heat of the impassioned, orgiastic moment and the energy dump of the collective afterglow--all of that, strangely enough, can find us having to do a fair amount of work to stay present and loving toward ourselves before, after, and during sexy parties. Thankfully, by doing loving things for ourselves, much of the time we have the power and the support to move through many of the challenging moments--yes, sometimes even with grace and beauty.

* Originally published on Google Docs in 2014 and shared through private networks, this writing now joyfully has a home with Bonobo Network. This writing is being published as written in 2014 on purpose to preserve the historical record, and dated references and local contexts may appear in the text. We welcome feedback and dialogue on anything that deserves an updated conversation or corrections to current contexts.