Darvin’s Tips Part 2: Safer Sexy

Has anyone ever told you that safer sex conversations can be sexy if you just do it right? Brush your lips past their ear and in a raspy voice say something like "I got tested last week. How bout you?" Please. I might bust out laughing if you did that to me. And then I might actually be annoyed that you were mixing the headiness of sexual connection with a conversation that I’d prefer to be clear-headed about.

My point: trying to make safer sex conversations sexy is redundant. Ok, maybe there have been times when the raspy sex conversation in my ear has totally worked on me—I’m not predictable, and safer sex conversations are just so damn sexy! It’s hot that you care enough about me and yourself to honor our connection with some matter of fact truth telling about health risks. But the point is that it’s not so much how you have the conversation that can make or break a connection, but rather that you do it at all. Safer sex conversations are hot. Period.

That's because safety is sexy, without a raspy voice or bedroom eyes. Forget trying to make the conversation sexy. Just make it happen. If you do try to make the conversation sexy, make sure that you don’t have an abbreviated conversation because you’re focused on trying to make it hot. And don’t use the conversation as a way to get sex. That is not sexy. Having the conversation fully—meaning with as much space and information as satisfies all parties (and maybe even a little more time and attention than that!)—is sexy. And the more folks get what they need from the conversation, the sexier it is.

Perhaps by now you’re starting to roll your eyes at me—I know all this already, Anna. To which I say, I get it. At conscious sexy parties we often get drilled down on the regular about the importance of safer sex conversations and practices. Even I have sometimes reported experiencing something like boredom or fatigue around this topic. But there are a few really good reasons to put our judgments on the consistent presence of this topic on the shelf for a minute and embrace our safer sexiness anew. Again, and again.

1) Safety is a condition for connection, and we must be practitioners of safety in order to keep it around. While we may know that connection comes alive most in a climate of unconditional positive regard, positive psychologist Barbara Fredrickson argues that intimacy is actually very conditional. It’s just that the conditions are not looks, money, or status. Rather the conditions are inherent in the unique container in which connection is trying to happen. Proximity, eye contact, touch, parallel movement—these are all conditions Fredrickson identifies as important—necessary—for connection, aka the emotional swirl of love and intimacy. Among Fredrickson’s conditions is safety. That’s right, when people feel safer they tend to connect more. But creating safety through safer sex practice is not like taking a test that you pass and then never have to consider again. Safer sex practice is just that, a practice. We are constantly able to learn more, get better, and create more safety if we apply ourselves. Heard some new information about an sti/std? Try having a frank conversation about it with someone relatively new to you. Not sure what the etiquette is for joining a group scene at a sexy party? Ask an angel. Then go tell a friend and ask them to practice with you.

2) Safety is also cultural. Even if you as an individual have a higher threshold for feeling safe in sexual spaces, you are participating in a community and in a culture. What you do models for others what the standard might be, and can even impact what others feel safe doing for themselves. That’s especially important for new folks, but it can be equally important for anyone in a position where they might experience powerlessness due to any number of social vectors, gender, race, class, etc. A few things that veterans to sexy parties (and everyone) can and should do to encourage a culture of safety includes having safer sex conversations even if they feel stale, having etiquette conversations and check-ins, and coaching others on how to do both of these things. We are not responsible for creating each other’s experiences; but we might be responsible for contributing to a culture in which we can all practice safer sex and conscious sexy party etiquette freely.

3) We are leaders in a sexual movement. As sexy parties continue to blossom across the Bay Area, our relatively small community may have a greater and greater impact on how others create play space, even beyond the Bay. It’s important that we build a conscious sexy community that isn’t just aware of safer sex practices, but is actually practicing being safer, so that what we do can lead what others do. 

Happily, we are a loving community that supports each other in figuring this stuff out. Together. Next time I see you at a party, raspy voice or not, I look forward to seeing how you are contributing to us being fully awesome when it comes to safer sex practices. Then maybe when the time comes, I can lean into your ear, and with a raspy voice say, “Damn, you are safer sexy.”

* Originally published on Google Docs in 2014 and shared through private networks, this writing now joyfully has a home with Bonobo Network. This writing is being published as written in 2014 on purpose to preserve the historical record, and dated references and local contexts may appear in the text. We welcome feedback and dialogue on anything that deserves an updated conversation or corrections to current contexts.