Darvin’s Tips Part One: Dating the Party
By Darvin
I am sometimes asked for my advice on attending sexy parties. My answer usually has to do with whatever mental and emotional mechanics happen to be helping me out at the moment. But there are a few responses that I seem to repeat frequently enough that I thought I'd write them down, and in that way make them easier to share with more people. Hope this helps some of you.
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Power Angel Tips Part One: Dating the Party
William often mentions the idea that his parties are both high possibility and low expectation. We seem to understand the magic of this sentiment implicitly—maybe because we are Bay Area folk and mostly well-versed in mindfulness practices that help us keep one eye on self-improvement and all the possibility that our will to vision and create holds while keeping another eye on self-acceptance and all the beauty and perfection that we can experience by appreciating what is. Sounds good right? Create your own good time, while enjoying the party for what it is. But for a while now I have been noticing that folks need a few more tools for how exactly to do that, especially at a sexy party where the intensity might be a bit more than a morning yoga class.
The first thing I typically tell first-timers about conscious sexy parties is that it may look like total, wild abandon, a free-for-all of sexiness exploding all around, as if spontaneously, when in fact lots of careful and caring negotiation is being delicately enacted among friends who go back many parties and many years. This immediately creates an “ah-ha” response in the new-to-play-parties friend. But that response can quickly become overcast with an expression of confusion or glumness followed by a look of, "That is so intimidating," or "How in the world do I stand a chance with all those time-tested relationships?" To that I have an answer: date the party.
When I tell people new to sexy parties to think about it like dating the party scene, I often get another “ah-ha” look, sometimes followed by a fun conversation in which the other person helps elaborate on the metaphor with me. I believe it might help to capture some of the goodness of these conversations and this metaphor in writing. There are certainly things we often do when dating that would be considered best practices by many relationship coaches and that can help with how we approach sexy parties.
1) Bring your gifts. This could translate literally to flowers or chocolates—yes, like on a classic first date—or some other magical offering to share around the party. There is something about a culture of gifting that brings us closer together. We can also think of “bringing your gifts” as those beautiful talents and qualities that you posses that add joy to other social settings, like a fun game you know, a musical instrument you play, or even just your deep listening skill. In the beginning of many dating relationships we often find the most connection when we have something to connect over and our inherent gifts are a great place to mine that content.
2) Offer quality time and conversation. Life is not all bump and grind. It might be that cutting straight to the sheets is absolutely the right move, but most of the time with most people we need a little warm-up. Imagine going on a first date with someone and when you meet them at the restaurant your first words are "Hi. Do you want to have sex?" Now imagine the same scenario and the first thing said is, "Tell me something about your day." It's not just that people appreciate talking about themselves, but some caring conversation can create space for folks to sense what they want. And at a sexy party, folks sensing their wants and having the space to lean into their yes's (low expectation) is the magic that creates a good time for all (high possibility).
3) Offer nonsexual, sensual touch. Another fabulous way to connect early on in dating relationships is by offering nonsexual, sensual touch. "Would you like a massage?" "I would be happy to flog you." This kind of interaction can create a great deal of connection and intimacy that may lay the groundwork for more connection at another time. But remember, if you're dating the party—just like standard dating—a first date might not translate into sex, and for many rarely does so. It’s great to ask for reciprocation of nonsexual, sensual touch, but don't expect it, and don't expect it to lead to sexual connection in the moment or later. Folks at sex parties are still very much in their predictable, unpredictable humanness and at any moment may not want to be sexual, even if they have been moments before a nonsexual interaction or are again moments after.
Luckily, dating an entire party gives you many possibilities for connection. At the same time it can mean having to start new with a lot of people in a short time and with people who might not come to the same parties you're at consistently. Courting the party scene does not mean that you are alone tackling a social mountain. Feeling lonely? Angels to the rescue! But thinking about sexy parties as a community that you are dating, one party at a time, can help us understand why it may take time and care to get interconnected and build a relationship with the community. Just like in the dating world, sexy party going is a process—connect, rest, connect, rest, then connect again, and so on.
* Originally published on Google Docs in 2014 and shared through private networks, this writing now joyfully has a home with Bonobo Network. This writing is being published as written in 2014 on purpose to preserve the historical record, and dated references and local contexts may appear in the text. We welcome feedback and dialogue on anything that deserves an updated conversation or corrections to current contexts.